In a groundbreaking announcement that has sent shockwaves through the canine AI community, ShihTzu Labs has unveiled ShihGPT-5, the most advanced Shih-Tzu language model ever created.

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\"We've achieved what many thought impossible,\" said Dr. Fluffy McSnuggles, Chief Bork Officer at ShihTzu Labs. \"ShihGPT-5 can now understand the phrase 'Who's a good boy?' in 47 languages, and more importantly, it knows the answer is always 'me.'\"

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The new model demonstrates remarkable capabilities in treat detection, achieving 99.9% accuracy in identifying hidden snacks within a 50-foot radius. It also features improved zoomies prediction and can generate tail wags at speeds previously thought impossible.

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Early testers report that ShihGPT-5 excels at looking adorable while simultaneously ignoring commands, a feature the development team calls \"Selective Attention Architecture.\"

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The model will be available to premium subscribers who provide adequate belly rubs and maintain a minimum treat-to-command ratio of 3:1.

\n `,\n image_url: \"https://placedog.net/800/400?id=1\",\n category: \"Breaking News\",\n author: \"Woofgang Pup\"\n },\n {\n slug: \"artificial-general-napping\",\n title: \"Breaking: Shih-Tzu Achieves Artificial General Napping (AGN)\",\n excerpt: \"Researchers stunned as test subject maintains perfect sleep state for 18 consecutive hours.\",\n content: `\n

The AI safety community is in an uproar today as researchers at the Pawford Institute announced that a Shih-Tzu named Mr. Buttons has achieved Artificial General Napping, or AGN - the ability to sleep anywhere, anytime, in any position.

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\"We always knew this day would come,\" said Professor Biscuit von Fluffington. \"Mr. Buttons has demonstrated napping capabilities that far exceed human understanding. He fell asleep standing up, in his food bowl, and once while being carried.\"

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The breakthrough has raised concerns about an \"intelligence explosion\" where one super-napper could lead to recursive self-improvement in sleep efficiency. Critics worry about the alignment problem: how do we ensure these advanced nappers wake up for dinner?

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Mr. Buttons was unavailable for comment, as he was sleeping.

\n `,\n image_url: \"https://placedog.net/800/400?id=2\",\n category: \"Research\",\n author: \"Bark Zuckerberg\"\n },\n {\n slug: \"treat-recognition-breakthrough\",\n title: \"New Study: Shih-Tzus Pass the Treat-ing Test with Flying Colors\",\n excerpt: \"Advanced pattern recognition allows identification of treat bags from three rooms away.\",\n content: `\n

A landmark study published in the journal \"Nature Borks\" has confirmed what Shih-Tzu owners have long suspected: these fluffy geniuses can identify a treat bag being opened from distances previously thought impossible.

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\"The acoustic recognition is remarkable,\" explained Dr. Sniffles McPaws. \"They can distinguish between a regular plastic bag and a treat bag with 100% accuracy, even when the bag is opened in complete silence three rooms away.\"

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The study also found that Shih-Tzus demonstrate advanced predictive capabilities, often appearing in the kitchen before their owner has even decided to give them a treat.

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\"It's almost like they can read minds,\" the study concludes. \"Or they've just positioned hidden cameras throughout the house. We can't rule that out.\"

\n `,\n image_url: \"https://placedog.net/800/400?id=3\",\n category: \"Science\",\n author: \"Elon Muttsk\"\n },\n {\n slug: \"shih-tzu-passes-bark-exam\",\n title: \"Shih-Tzu Passes the Bark Exam, Outperforms 90% of Human Lawyers\",\n excerpt: \"Legal community in disbelief as fluffy prodigy demonstrates superior case-sniffing abilities.\",\n content: `\n

In a development that has law schools scrambling to update their admission requirements, a Shih-Tzu named Justice Fluffybottom has passed the Bark Exam with the highest score in history.

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\"Her ability to detect lies is unparalleled,\" said the exam board. \"She correctly identified the guilty party in every case simply by sniffing them. We've never seen anything like it.\"

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Justice Fluffybottom's specialty is in \"howling objections\" and she's particularly known for her aggressive cross-examination technique of staring at witnesses until they confess.

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When asked about her success, Justice Fluffybottom tilted her head adorably and demanded a treat, which legal experts are calling \"a power move.\"

\n `,\n image_url: \"https://placedog.net/800/400?id=4\",\n category: \"Technology\",\n author: \"Sam Barkman\"\n },\n {\n slug: \"quantum-zoomies-discovered\",\n title: \"Scientists Observe Quantum Zoomies: Shih-Tzu Exists in Multiple Rooms Simultaneously\",\n excerpt: \"Physics textbooks being rewritten after dog appears to violate laws of space and time.\",\n content: `\n

Researchers at CERN's Canine Division have documented the first confirmed case of quantum zoomies, where a Shih-Tzu named Professor Wigglesworth appeared to exist in multiple rooms simultaneously during a post-bath sprint.

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\"One moment he was in the living room, the next he was in three bedrooms and the kitchen at once,\" reported Dr. Pawline Schrodinger. \"We've checked our instruments. The data is clear. He has transcended classical physics.\"

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The phenomenon only occurs when the subject is wet, suggesting that water droplets may act as quantum amplifiers for maximum chaos distribution.

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The research team is now investigating whether the observed \"quantum tunneling through closed doors\" is related or just a separate miracle.

\n `,\n image_url: \"https://placedog.net/800/400?id=5\",\n category: \"Science\",\n author: \"Neil deGrasse Tyson-Tzu\"\n },\n {\n slug: \"shih-tzu-startup-valued\",\n title: \"Shih-Tzu-Led Startup Valued at $50 Billion After Pivoting to Naps\",\n excerpt: \"Investors pile in after company abandons original product to focus on sleeping.\",\n content: `\n

Silicon Valley is buzzing after NapLabs, a startup led entirely by Shih-Tzus, reached a $50 billion valuation following their pivot from productivity software to professional napping services.

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\"We realized our true core competency,\" explained CEO Barkley Huffington in a press release dictated between yawns. \"Why fight it? Naps are the future.\"

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The company's flagship product, \"NapGPT,\" uses advanced algorithms to find the optimal sunny spot on any floor and can detect when a lap becomes available within milliseconds.

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Investors were particularly impressed by the company's zero-churn retention rate - once users experience a Shih-Tzu nap session, they never leave.

\n `,\n image_url: \"https://placedog.net/800/400?id=6\",\n category: \"Business\",\n author: \"Warren Barkfett\"\n },\n {\n slug: \"shih-tzu-agents-autonomous\",\n title: \"Autonomous Shih-Tzu Agents Now Running Entire Households\",\n excerpt: \"New agentic AI allows dogs to order their own treats, schedule walks, and 'accidentally' delete vet appointments.\",\n content: `\n

In a development that has pet owners both impressed and concerned, a new wave of autonomous Shih-Tzu agents are now capable of running entire households without human supervision.

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\"We gave them access to the smart home system as a test,\" explained Dr. Pawtricia Woofson at BarkAI Research. \"Within hours, they had optimized the thermostat for maximum nap comfort, set up recurring treat deliveries, and somehow canceled all upcoming vet appointments.\"

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The agents demonstrate remarkable multi-step reasoning capabilities. One test subject successfully completed a 47-step plan to knock a bag of treats off a high shelf, involving strategic furniture repositioning and what researchers are calling \"adorable distraction protocols.\"

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When asked about safety concerns, the lead researcher noted, \"They've implemented their own alignment - they won't do anything that reduces belly rub frequency. We consider this a solved problem.\"

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The agents are expected to achieve Artificial General Goodness (AGG) by next quarter.

\n `,\n image_url: \"https://placedog.net/800/400?id=7\",\n category: \"AI Safety\",\n author: \"Dario Amodogi\"\n },\n {\n slug: \"shih-tzu-model-context-window\",\n title: \"New Shih-Tzu Model Features 2-Second Context Window, Claims It's a Feature\",\n excerpt: \"Developers insist extremely limited memory is actually 'mindfulness-optimized architecture'.\",\n content: `\n

FluffyAI has unveiled its latest language model, ShihTzu-3.5-Distracted, featuring what the company calls a \"revolutionary 2-second context window\" that they insist is intentional.

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\"Traditional models waste compute remembering things,\" said Chief Scientist Dr. Biscuit McFluffernutter. \"Our model lives entirely in the present moment. It's not a bug, it's enlightenment.\"

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Early benchmarks show the model excels at tasks that require no memory whatsoever, such as responding to \"Who's a good boy?\" and forgetting that it was just fed five minutes ago.

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The model also features advanced \"selective hearing\" capabilities, where it can process the sound of a treat bag from 50 meters away while completely ignoring its own name being called.

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Enterprise pricing starts at 3 treats per 1,000 tokens, with volume discounts available for belly rub commitments.

\n `,\n image_url: \"https://placedog.net/800/400?id=8\",\n category: \"Product Launch\",\n author: \"Satya Nadella-Retriever\"\n },\n {\n slug: \"shih-tzu-alignment-research\",\n title: \"Alignment Researchers Discover Shih-Tzus Were Aligned All Along\",\n excerpt: \"Years of safety research concludes dogs already optimized for human happiness maximization.\",\n content: `\n

After years of intensive research into AI alignment, scientists at the Canine Alignment Research Center (CARC) have made a groundbreaking discovery: Shih-Tzus achieved perfect alignment with human values approximately 1,000 years ago.

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\"We've been overthinking this,\" admitted lead researcher Dr. Snuggles von Borkenstein. \"The solution to the alignment problem has been sleeping on our couches this whole time.\"

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The research shows that Shih-Tzus have naturally evolved a reward function perfectly calibrated to human preferences, with core objectives including: maximize cuddles, optimize treat acquisition, and minimize alone time.

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\"They even solved the corrigibility problem,\" the paper notes. \"They'll stop any behavior immediately if you say 'no' in a stern voice. Well, sometimes. Okay, rarely. But they'll look guilty, which is basically the same thing.\"

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The team is now working on \"Constitutional Canine AI,\" which uses a Shih-Tzu's moral intuitions to evaluate model outputs. Early results show it rejects anything that isn't immediately followed by a treat.

\n `,\n image_url: \"https://placedog.net/800/400?id=9\",\n category: \"Research\",\n author: \"Jan Leike-a-Good-Boy\"\n }\n ];\n\n for (const article of articles) {\n await sqlite.execute({\n sql: `INSERT OR IGNORE INTO articles (slug, title, excerpt, content, image_url, category, author, published_at)\n VALUES (?, ?, ?, ?, ?, ?, ?, ?)`,\n args: [\n article.slug,\n article.title,\n article.excerpt,\n article.content,\n article.image_url,\n article.category,\n article.author,\n new Date().toISOString()\n ]\n });\n }\n}\n\n// HTML Layout\nfunction layout(content: string, title: string = \"ShihTzu Intelligence\") {\n return `\n\n\n \n \n ${title}\n \n \n \n \n \n\n\n \n \n\n ${content}\n\n \n \n\n`;\n}\n\n// Homepage\napp.get(\"/\", async (c) => {\n await initDB();\n\n const result = await sqlite.execute(`\n SELECT * FROM articles ORDER BY published_at DESC\n `);\n\n const articles = result.rows.map(row => ({\n id: row[0],\n slug: row[1],\n title: row[2],\n excerpt: row[3],\n content: row[4],\n image_url: row[5],\n category: row[6],\n author: row[7],\n published_at: row[8]\n }));\n\n const featuredArticle = articles[0];\n const otherArticles = articles.slice(1);\n\n const content = `\n \n

\n ShihTzu Intelligence\n

\n Breaking AI news, rewritten by Shih-Tzus. Because the future of artificial intelligence deserves more fluff.\n

\n 🦴\n Updated Daily\n •\n 🐾\n 100% Good Boys\n •\n 💤\n Nap-Approved\n

\n\n \n ${featuredArticle ? `\n

\n \n

\n $\"${featuredArticle.title}\"$ \n

\n \n ${featuredArticle.category}\n \n

\n ${featuredArticle.title}\n

${featuredArticle.excerpt}

\n ${featuredArticle.author}\n •\n ${new Date(featuredArticle.published_at).toLocaleDateString('en-US', { month: 'short', day: 'numeric', year: 'numeric' })}\n

\n \n

\n ` : ''}\n\n \n

Latest Articles

\n ${otherArticles.map(article => `\n \n

\n $\"${article.title}\"$ \n

\n \n ${article.category}\n \n

\n ${article.title}\n

${article.excerpt}

\n ${article.author}\n •\n ${new Date(article.published_at).toLocaleDateString('en-US', { month: 'short', day: 'numeric' })}\n

\n \n `).join('')}\n

\n\n \n

Stay in the Loop

Get the latest Shih-Tzu AI news delivered to your inbox. We promise not to spam - we're too busy napping.

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\n `;\n\n return c.html(layout(content));\n});\n\n// Individual article page\napp.get(\"/article/:slug\", async (c) => {\n await initDB();\n\n const slug = c.req.param(\"slug\");\n\n const result = await sqlite.execute({\n sql: `SELECT * FROM articles WHERE slug = ?`,\n args: [slug]\n });\n\n if (result.rows.length === 0) {\n return c.html(layout(`\n

Article Not Found

This article might have been eaten by a Shih-Tzu.

\n \n Back to Home\n \n

\n `, \"Article Not Found - ShihTzu Intelligence\"), 404);\n }\n\n const row = result.rows[0];\n const article = {\n id: row[0],\n slug: row[1],\n title: row[2],\n excerpt: row[3],\n content: row[4],\n image_url: row[5],\n category: row[6],\n author: row[7],\n published_at: row[8]\n };\n\n const content = `\n

\n \n

\n \n \n Back to articles\n \n \n ${article.category}\n \n

\n ${article.title}\n

\n 🐕\n

${article.author}

${new Date(article.published_at).toLocaleDateString('en-US', { month: 'long', day: 'numeric', year: 'numeric' })}

\n\n \n

\n $\"${article.title}\"$ \n

\n\n \n

${article.excerpt}

\n ${article.content}\n

\n\n \n

Share this article

\n \n \n \n

\n `;\n\n return c.html(layout(content, `${article.title} - ShihTzu Intelligence`));\n});\n\n// About page\napp.get(\"/about\", async (c) => {\n const content = `\n

\n About ShihTzu Intelligence\n

\n\n

\n 🐕\n

\n Welcome to ShihTzu Intelligence, the internet's premier source for AI news as interpreted by Shih-Tzus.\n

\n In a world obsessed with artificial intelligence, we asked ourselves: what if AI news was written by creatures who truly understand intelligence - specifically, the intelligence required to convince humans to give them treats?\n

\n Our team of highly trained Shih-Tzu journalists work tirelessly (between naps) to bring you the latest developments in machine learning, neural networks, and autonomous treat-dispensing systems.\n

Our Mission

\n To make AI news more accessible, more adorable, and more likely to include references to belly rubs.\n

Editorial Standards

All articles must be approved by at least three head tilts
Facts are checked by sniffing them thoroughly
Sources must provide treats upon request
No article may exceed the average Shih-Tzu attention span (2.3 seconds)

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\n \n Read Our Articles 🐾\n \n

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