Librarian's Diary

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\n July 15, 2026\n ▶\n

\n \nHmmm.. idk what im doing..
\nOyawa mathak wenwa. Godak

\nAs u asked i opened Spotify.. but closed it before listening to anything.
Not in a mood for music ig

\nI have never journaled anything abt how i feel sudu. Mta meka purudu na.
Kept staring at our chat hoping to see smt but nothing happened..\nOther than your new about:)
\n
\nWish i could talk to u.. i dont know what im doing w a diary.
\nGood night baby🙂♥️\"\n >\n

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\n July 16, 2026\n ▶\n

\n \nGood morning! New dp neh. I love that picture of yours.. its the first pic i ever saw of yours before we even met. Back then it had a mysterious vibe.
\nAda ahasa harima kathai sudu.. Grayish dark blue.. muusala patai.
\nDukai. Feel empty.
\nWish i could talk to you.. i have the strength to type a text but not to hit send.
\nMn godak adarei Sheka. But I never wanted to hold u back.

\n\n1pm
\n12ta lecs iwara una. We were prepared to stay till 4. This is totally unexpected. Lecturer told me i look stoned then again looks like im living in a different dimension.

\n\n11pm
\n\nIts only been 1 1/2 day but feels like an week already. Since u stopped talking. Feels lost.

\n\nAfter lecs guys went for pizza at Vito’s. They dragged me w em. Brought back memories. That hotpot place u went w Nethya some time ago. I looked at fish. In that pond in Arcade.
\n\nHamadema mta mathak wenwa Sheka. Mn danne na oya kohoma innwada kiyala.. harima amuthui mta. Im doing my best to keep it together. I wanna read our last chat but i still cant
\n\nGood night baby:)\"\n >\n

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\n July 17, 2026\n ▶\n

\n \nGood morning baby !!
\nI just woke up. Saw a dream. I sang to u in it. I had an angelic voice somehow. Even though i didnt had a guitar i heard one playing as well. I was singing that song ‘mta heenayak wela’.
\nLassana sinduwak eka. We looked happy and u seem to be enjoying.
\n
\nMta nidaganna ba Sheka.. Sleep doesnt come to until 1,2. Even though it comes, cant sleep for long. Only few hrs of sleep even i wanted to sleep long.
\nAdare hari amuthui. Can’t understand at all. Now im remembering every single thing I forgot to tell u on some days. Eth oya na ewa ahanna.
\nI feel like an idiot. I wanna think u did yourself a favor. Im all abt uncertainty. U considered everything and did the right thing. But i really was gonna make a world for me, to ourself\nbaby..\n
\nOya mge laga na kiyla mathak weddi mge papuwta mokakda wenwa. Like there’s a huge weight on my chest. Its a crushing feeling and it makes breathing hard. Like someone’s been chocking me.
\nYesterday i felt so scared when it first happened.
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\nAdare puduma deyak. Once it rooted, doesn’t come off. Like a chewing gum that stuck to your shoe. Mta terenne na aththtama.. I wanna talk to someone but at the moment I have no one. Hope you are holding on strong.
\nBack then when u asked me not to make a world out of someone else, it didnt make sense to me. Now it kinda does. But guess what I have no regrets. Im happy , i took that risk for u even
\nthough i feel like a zombie rn. Mn adare karanna baye idapu manussayek sudu. Oya mge jiwitheta awit mawa wenas kala. Thama t mn adarei.
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\n7pm
\nMn naraka manussayek nemei Sheka😔
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\n23pm
\nWhat do yk abt Dopamine.. that’s the hormone makes us happy. I dont feel happiness sudu. Dopamine hambune oyagen. I need my Dopamine again.. i cant even make my mind listen to a song atp.
\n Idk how u are holding up. I wanna talk to u so badly. Nothing feels right..
\n\"\n >\n

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\n July 18, 2026\n ▶\n

\n \nGood morning baby! I ve uni today.
\nYesterday night, i spoke to Diyana. I can see why u love and trust her w life. Shes a good person. Idk abt clarity but she made me feel more heavy Sheka. Eyage waraddak naa mge tamai.
\n
\nAdarayak athi unata passe nati karanna ba sudu. It doesnt work like that. I think yk that too. I didnt love u to stop halfway. I wanted to make a world w you. Spend a lifetime. Ik thats my
problem as well. Im trying my best to hold on; not to give up. I try my best to stay sane. \nEth eka hari amarui Sheka. When sleep doesn’t come to u at night, when u cant sleep no more than 4hrs even though u wanted to, when u cant look at food no matter how hungry you are, when u
\ncant be alone for 5minutes, cause it makes u bite your lip so hard and feel like u cant breath anymore and make your eyes all teary , they make it difficult to keep your shit together.
\nThings that used to comfort me doesnt do that anymore. I cant put my mind to listen to a song, i havent listen to any music in three days, even looking at fucking sky makes me break. No
\nwonder ithin.. you were my ultimate comfort zone after all. I ve never felt this scared abt myself baby. If u can call me Asu once again:)
\n
\nI havent gave up though. Mn thama t Ganewatta road eka lagin ynawa nm balagena ynne.. even though seeing you is a 1/1000K chance.

\n9.30pm
\nMn ada gedara awa sudu.. Took the train. Mge oluwa palenna ridenawa. OYAT NA ! Wiswasa karanna una unat..
\nOya wada karanwa neda mahansi wela?\"\n >\n

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\n July 19, 2026\n ▶\n

\n \nI know im too rational as well but when it comes to matters regarding heart, not so much.
\nWhats funny is i still dont feel mad. Other than this emptiness and sadness of missing u. Oyata messages 100k withra type kala. Mta send karaganna ba eth.. oyata thawath duk denna ba mta.
Oya mta thama t adarei neda Sheka🥺

\nThis emptyness !!\"\n >\n

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\n July 20, 2026\n ▶\n

\n \nGood morning patiyo. It rained in the morning. Lectures na. Eka nisa mn gedra. Heta ynwa achchiammalge gedra. Ape malli enroll una VTA ekata. A plumber course. He seems to like it.
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\nYou told that u need to change but you dont have to imo. You showed that u r already so courageous, determined when you decided smt. Thats rare baby. I wanna contact you so badly. Im so
tired wearing this mask Sheka. Acting like im doing perfectly fine while suffering from the inside. Eth mawa ahanna kauruwt na. But im still feeling courageous and determined abt what I
believe in. Is that wrong to believe in..? Hope not.

\n\nI wanted you show all my useful skills im surprisingly good at. I wanted to see you going wow saying like what in the world.. Mta oyawa mathak wenwa patiyo godak. Once i wake up, its you
coming to the mind. Im going to sleep while thinking abt uu. I stare at our chat waiting for smt to happen.. Palui godak ithin:) adare hari pudumai Dewmi.
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\n11pm
\nIt’s Dad’s bday neda.. Thought it was yesterday. I saw the status. Actually more than once, i lost the count how many times i watched it. That dress you r wearing, thought it was the one you
bought on that day at OGF with me. Mta hitune eka kiyala. My baby looked so pretty smiling. Ahinsakai wge chuttak. Oya sathutin innwa ne. Im trying my best as well. I tried looking
at the night sky but it was cloudy. Not many stars. Anyway it doesnt matter, sky doesnt offer me comfort like it used to do sudu.
\nGood night lamayo🙂\"\n >\n

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\n July 21, 2026\n ▶\n

\n \nGood morning Dewmii.. im otw to uni. Ahasa tikak lassanai. It has divided into two parts. A dark grayish side and a nice blue side. My mind is the same. Two sides, top layer is pretending
\nto be okay while the layer under is suffering. Im not ready to let you go ithin. I just cant. I have met lot of people. I mean lot, and ive seen them operating so closely.
\nYou are one of a kind. You aint like them and how u made me feel about myself. Thats smt i cant ever let go. This is where you say there ~8+ billion in the whole world blah blah blah but it is what it is lol.
\n E dewal nisa mn godak lobai sudu. Mta terenne t na atp. And i still cant listen to a song. The responsibilities I bear, are the only part helping to maintain my sanity somehow.
\n

I took a picture of sunset otw home. Sun was covered by clouds but they couldnt fully hide that blood orange. My feelings for you are the same. No matter what I try to hide they always come to the top of my mind.
I wanna smile like before. Make a silly joke.
Remember you said smt abt Shiwanka,abt who they are being their biggest punishment. I wonder if im the same Sheka:)\"\n >\n

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\n July 22, 2026\n ▶\n

\n \nIts been a week. A WEEK !!
Still can’t believe and still trynna process. After everything happened, i must say that you didnt take all the hope inside me. There s bit of hope left still
but whats unclear is the fact , whether you will ever want me or not. Thinking abt those things make me feel sadder. Especially when im alone.
Shit makes it harder to breath like someone’s strangling me. Im trying my best to be a better person.
\nEverything would be 1000 times better if i can just talk to you. But i dont wanna interrupt you w the progress you made so far.
Im not that selfish. At least not yet. After all guess im selfish cause im keep refusing to let u go.
I wish, like really wish if fate can be dear to me just once to be with the girl i love. And to be loved from by you. \n

\n11pm
\n\nSmt happen and i cat stop thinking abt it sudu. I started sneezing nonstop in the afternoon. Pabasara was there w Deshan and jokingly said a number.
Told me to add all of em together and assign the sum to the equal character in alphabet.
A person yk name starts w that character thinks abt u rn and thats what cause you to sneeze. She said that. She told a number around 2000s and the sum was 19. 19= S , i was like WOWW. It got me into thinking ithin..thought it only was a random thing.
Just after 5 mins after that i was in my own world thinking abt us and u. Deshan showed me a picture of a cake saying looking delicious right..
That profile pic looked so familiar to me, so i took his phone and checked. It was a IG post of your sister for dads bday.
All of u were there and somehow it got suggested to Deshan. I was so surprised. I mean the timing:)
I really wondered if the universe is trynna tell me smt or to give me a sign Sheka.. and you looked gorgeous in those pictures.. harima lassanai.
Your WA abt is expired as well, i ve nothing to stare now.. shooi if u can give me smt to look at ithin..
\nGood night Napurichchi\n\"\n >\n

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\n July 23, 2026\n ▶\n

\n \nGood morningg !! Ive SA cw and im otw rn- I saw a dream. U were mad at me for some reason🙂. Mta kagahuwa. Tarahai..Meka karanna amarui mta Sheka..
how do u stay like this. It really amaze me..

\n9pm
\nIm home. Ada godak parakku una sudu. And im so so tired. Shoulders and legs are killing me. I really miss talking to u.
I hate this emptiness im feeling whenever im alone. Oya withrai oluwata enne..
its like im a totally different person when im all alone.
Oya mahansi wenwa neda exams close nisa..

i really want to listen to a song but i still cant.
I just cant open the app then hit play button. Lassana dewal lassana na mta dn🙂\"\n >\n

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\n July 24, 2026\n ▶\n

\n \nGood morning baby.. Ada lassanai. There was a killer sunrise happening but I couldn’t wait to see..
\n Clouds were painted w a warm rosy orange. Ngl it gave me comfort for a second.
\nMn thama adarei Sheka. Atp i dont think I’ll ever move on. I dont trust people easily and i dont let them come into my heart.
\n After someone passed those barriers there isnt going back. I know that abt myself.. Im sorry that i sound like a obsessed, self centered person. It even scare me. Im a mess rn.
\n Working is the only thing helps me for not going crazy. Specially when im alone. Oh GOD ! All the things i wanted to show u. All the things i wanted to tell u.
\nAhasa, tharu kochchara lassana una t wadak na sudu. E dewal mta denne dukak withrai. Oyawa mathak wenne mta ewa nisa..
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\nThis act is so fucking hard sudu.. im sick of myself doing it. When you r out but trapped thinking inside your own world and suddenly somebody yk know smiles and talks to u.
\n You have to pretend okay and reply. Someone really should implement some kind of a support system fr.. but on the other hand thats how life is neda.
\n Guess thats what we call living. No one gives a fuck anyway. I should try getting myself drunk. I mean proper drunk. But funny enough not even that interests me..
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\n8pm
\nI came home sudu. Mahansi.. It wasnt like this before.
\n Talking to you after a tiresome day, it gave me the strength to fight in the next day. Oya idiya nm..Palui manika.
\n Sorry for the morning. I wasnt t in the best mood. You are doing fine neda. Hope you are speaking to your friends:)
\n When you came into my life, i was also believing in Que sera,sera but your love changed me. It turned me into never give up on the person you love.
\n Ive hope and I still believe.\n\"\n >\n

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\n July 25, 2026\n ▶\n

\n \nTime really flies. Its been 10 days but still it feels like yesterday.
Im afraid that im turning into bitter person sudu. \nWe deserve another chance.
We havent done anything wrong. I hope u believe the same thing.
Idgaf abt the world. What mattered to me was u, always u. Only you.
\nI wanted to take down the library but i couldnt. A thought came to me, what if u needed it on a lonely day. \nSo, im just gonna leave it there Akarshani. Feel better and be happy even when im not w you. It was my only goal of making it.
Librarian still believes in you..\n\"\n >\n

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\n July 26, 2026\n ▶\n

\n \nAda mn wada godak kala sudu. Gedra awane iye. I fell asleep once i came home yesterday. I wanted to write to u but i couldnt.
\n Wash damma withrai mathaka. Itapasse ninda gihin.
\n Guess i was too tired. Yesterday was different. I met nice kind hearted (Unknown) people. They were kind to me.
\nIm trying my best to get busy so i can be distracted.
\nBut it doesn’t work. Maybe what im doing is wrong. Maybe this is not the way..

\nPawani ge status ekak dakka mn. ආර්‍යන් අයිය මුලු නුවරටම ගිනි තිබ්බ කියල. Looks like smt interesting happened. Oya nane ithin mta kiyanna. \nHope you read the new episode of Radhala.
\nGood night baby. Heta ude lecs ne.\"\n >\n

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\n July 27, 2026\n ▶\n

\n \nGood morning patiyo.. Its raining. Heavily. Wish if i could sleep more than 4hrs for once.
\n Atp Im microprocessing every word u said that day. Cant help it. If u can just give me a sign..
\nIm still here sudu. I wake up thinking abt u. I goto a sleep thinking abt u. At every lunch break, every time i reach home, leaving home .
\nMakes me to think abt u. I wanna say Good morning to u once i woke up… Mn waradida Sheka. To be like this..
\nI just cant sleep peacefully after leaving everything to the fate. Thats not what ive been taught. Thats not what i believe. Mawa mathak wenawa neda🙂
\nI really wanna listen to a song but i cant make up mind for it. Oya hodin innwa neda sudu. Hmmmmm.
\n Gotta go. We r developing a mobile app these days. Its not related to our field at all and we know nothing but our lecturer threatened that he will fail us. Eka nisa karannama wenwa.
\nIm gonna look into it. Then i should get ready to goto uni. Tommorow ive this SA2 assignment. \"\n >\n

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\n July 28, 2026\n ▶\n

\n \nDn awe uni eken.. after the assignment we stayed late. For that IOT project. Im walking alone. Not a single person on the pavement.
Not many vehicles on the road either.\n Maarama palui ithin. Moosalai wge. Idk, empty !

\nI couldnt write today morning.. there were too much on mind sudu. Didnt sleep yesterday as well.
I had to prepare for the test ne. I like coming to uni these days. When im surrounded by people i feel like myself, less lonely.
\nWhen im all by myself it makes me realize how really alone i am as a person.
Makes me to hate the world. World that came in between us. World that stood against us..
Now before u say anything, i know. Im wrong. Obv this isnt the way i should see. Even i feel gross abt myself whenever im feeling like that.
Other than my family, Hope ,that oneday we will end up together is the only thing gives me the strength to go forward.
My life should be abt myself. Mta terenwaa. But when I see everyone I love around me struggling,
how can just think abt myself Sheka. Rn im only selfish when it comes to u.
Sometimes I still smile like a idiot when im writing to u sudu.

Wow. I wonder if im mentally damaged or smt atp.
\n I havent given up. Math asai lassanata inna. Lassana lokayak hadanna.
Mta. Apita:)\"\n >\n

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\n July 29, 2026\n ▶\n

\n \nGood morning sudu. I just woke up. Mta ninda yanne nane. Gedara inna dawase wt..
\n\nI saw a dream. You texted me. Texts were so long i don’t remember. Only thing i remember there were
heart emojis and u asked me if i can come to meet you🥺
\nIt felt so real. Ehema wenawa nm kochchra hodaii da irl.. mta godak dukai Sheka. Feels like im fell back into the place where i was on 15th.

\n\nDay before yesterday otw home i took a nice pic. There were signs of an airplane just left as well.
Lassana ahasak. Since i cant send them to u, i put it on a status..
\nAda achchiamma t na. Mn withrai. Gotta cook as well. Im scared to alone. Thoughts im having when im
alone scares me.
\nIm gonna assume you have so busy w the studies. Exams lagai ne khoma t.

\n\n10pm
\nI did smt to our library. Dont even know if u visit it anymore but if u do, im sorry. I really am.
That new book wasnt never meant to be a diary. What i had in mind back then was a completely different idea.
W what happened it came over to me to let yk what im doing. How i am. Its a selfish thought.
Pretty sure seems annoying and inconsiderate atp. If it pissed you off. Im sorry. Dont hate me.\"\n >\n

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\n July 30, 2026\n ▶\n

\n \nGood morninggg!! I thought abt making IG and TT again cause i wanted a distraction. But no, im better off wo those. Whats the point of seeing people faking their own little lives on socials anyway.
\nWorking is the best distraction atp.

\nYou have always shared me w abt celebrity couples u like. We have discussed abt them. But i never got to tell u who i liked. Now im gonna ithinn..
\nBet u dont know abt Pewdiepie. Maybe your brother knows. Hes a master in Minecraft had the biggest subs base in YT 2015s. Hes a Swiss named Felix. His gf is Marzia. Shes Italian. Eyala shook. Lassana story ekak tiynwa eyalata. They dont show off and value their family life over anything.
Both of them retired from YT to focus on eo and moved to Japan. They have a son now.
Omg sudu they had 2 dogs. Maya and Edgar. Both are pugs. Maya passed away in pandemic days. Now its only Edgar.
Felix is the funniest guy but Marzia is so introverted. Shoi ithin..

\n8pm
\nyk what i just found out. Heartbreaks release high level of Adrenaline and Cortisol inside your brain causing physical pain. Chest pains, headaches etc. I was reading this medical paper someone brought.. explains a lot habai. Good night sudu...\n\"\n >\n

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\n Return to Library\n

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The Librarian's Diary